Impact of abuse

s blah blah s

  • Jealous of separate friends becoming close

    ive lost friends as a result

    very hurt by friends getting on with each other. my first friends were at the age of 30 and i hated that they laughed with each other


    didnt learn the love triangle as a toddler

  • No connection to my younger years

    I still struggle to relate to me as a child up to the age of ten or eleven. I have some snippets of memories, but they are isolated events.


    Abusive treatement started when I was a baby and continued throughout my childhood. This sustained trauma would have led my brain to operate in survival mode, so the rational thinking and decision-making would probably not have occurred. I had no choice but to comply to survive. The brain therefore is disabled from creating a logical order of events and suppresses the traumatic memories.

  • no relationship with siblings or mum

    ..

  • blind in one eye

    to be detailed

  • no long-term friends outside of school hours

    I remember having some friendships, but these were not sustained over years. I wasn't allowed to socialise with class mates outside of school. My father would get extremely upset if I went out, or would chase callers from the house. I thus only associated with other kids during school time. I was denied the pleasure of forming bonds with people, so I have no school friends in my adult life. I also still find it difficult to build trusting friendships.


    The control is part of a paedophile's behaviour. By isolating me, this greatly reduces risk of me telling others about what happens at home, so the abuse is able to continue.

  • Love versus lust
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  • delayed puberty

    shame, penis embarrassment



  • profuse sweating, fear of crowds

    high nervous level

    belief that everyone could tell, and that it was my fault

    inhibited my ability to enjoy speaking



  • denied sexual exploration

    sexual exploration is a right

    sexual orientation


  • poor social skills

    unable to do small talk, when i was corporate relationships

  • cruel to partners

    split up with them

  • erectile dysfunction

    turned on by initial and saying i love you


    as relationship builds, my sexual desire wains and then ends

  • record keeping


    counsellor suggested that Child Me kept records so that when i became ready to face the past i would have them. such a beautiful idea



  • hated myself, self-blame, suicidal

    looked in mirror for years


    when child me's appeared i realised that each age blamed the younger child me for what happened.



  • questioned my own gender and sexual orientation
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  • fear of women

    'im a man youre a woman'

  • fear of children

    their pure eyes would be adversely affected by my impurity


    and i didnt have a healthy childhood to know how to be kind and nurturing to child me, let alone other children



    NB: this can manifest for some by propogation of experience (going on to abuse children themself mirroring their experience) or extreme reversal ( not offering pure love, neglecting the child)



  • poor facial recognition

    not entirely sure why