some questions that you may have

It is never your fault.

As a child you are never responsible if an adult abuses you. It is the responsibility of every adult to behave well towards you. If they abuse you, it is totally their fault.

It is very common for an abused person to feel that they agreed to some part of what happened, or that they deserved what happened, or even that they made it happen.

For example, a young child might be told that they have misbehaved and then be abused; the child might reason that they deserved the abuse as punishment, but this is never true. 

If you were (or still are) under 18, were (or are) sexually active, then for some you may want to have sex with an adult.

For some, it might be difficult to experiment with people around your own age.

For others, you might find the thought of experimenting with an adult exciting. Whatever the reason that you have, it's not wrong to have asked. You weren't wrong as a child to have had your sexual experience. But, the adult should not have agreed: they should have supportively refused. By having any form of sexual contact with a child, an adult is committing abuse, they are using the child. 

It's perfectly ok if you don't feel any negative impact. This website is not here to create a bad feeling about your past when you have none. Remember, you mustn't feel bad about your choices, as the responsibility was with the adult.

So, why not just forget this website? Well, if an adult abused one child, they are quite likely to have abused others too. And it might be that one or more of the others weren't consented, that the adult started things. Those others who were (or still are) children might be suffering, or traumatised, or still at risk of further abuse from the same adult, or others. That's why it's important to report your experiences, but be clear with yourself that there is no shame for you in what you experienced and enjoyed when it happened.   

counsellor suggested that Child Me kept records so that when i became ready to face the past i would have them. such a beautiful idea

looked in mirror for years

when child me's appeared i realised that each age blamed the younger child me for what happened.

'im a man youre a woman'

their pure eyes would be adversely affected by my impurity

and i didnt have a healthy childhood to know how to be kind and nurturing to child me, let alone other children

NB: this can manifest for some by propogation of experience (going on to abuse children themself mirroring their experience) or extreme reversal ( not offering pure love, neglecting the child)

not entirely sure why

ive lost friends as a result

very hurt by friends getting on with each other. my first friends were at the age of 30 and i hated that they laughed with each other

didnt learn the love triangle as a toddler

I still struggle to relate to me as a child up to the age of ten or eleven. I have some snippets of memories, but they are isolated events.

Abusive treatement started when I was a baby and continued throughout my childhood. This sustained trauma would have led my brain to operate in survival mode, so the rational thinking and decision-making would probably not have occurred. I had no choice but to comply to survive. The brain therefore is disabled from creating a logical order of events and suppresses the traumatic memories.

..

to be detailed

I remember having some friendships, but these were not sustained over years. I wasn't allowed to socialise with class mates outside of school. My father would get extremely upset if I went out, or would chase callers from the house. I thus only associated with other kids during school time. I was denied the pleasure of forming bonds with people, so I have no school friends in my adult life. I also still find it difficult to build trusting friendships.

The control is part of a paedophile's behaviour. By isolating me, this greatly reduces risk of me telling others about what happens at home, so the abuse is able to continue.

shame, penis embarrassment

high nervous level

belief that everyone could tell, and that it was my fault

inhibited my ability to enjoy speaking

sexual exploration is a right

sexual orientation

unable to do small talk, when i was corporate relationships

split up with them

turned on by initial and saying i love you

as relationship builds, my sexual desire wains and then ends

counsellor suggested that Child Me kept records so that when i became ready to face the past i would have them. such a beautiful idea

looked in mirror for years

when child me's appeared i realised that each age blamed the younger child me for what happened.

'im a man youre a woman'

their pure eyes would be adversely affected by my impurity

and i didnt have a healthy childhood to know how to be kind and nurturing to child me, let alone other children

NB: this can manifest for some by propogation of experience (going on to abuse children themself mirroring their experience) or extreme reversal ( not offering pure love, neglecting the child)

not entirely sure why