findingme.uk

About findingme.uk

Thank you for visiting our pages

What we're after

We want to end the harm that some young people (under 18) experience, due to how adults behave.

Child abuse is often traumatic and that trauma can last a lifetime.

We want to end child abuse, help young people and adults recognise child abuse, how to spot the signs, learn about the harm it can have, and know how to challenge it.

Main aims

We hope that this website will provide:

1. a safe space for young people - what you should expect from adults, what to look out for that might be abuse and where to get help if you or someone else is being abused.
2. a safe space for troubled adults - if you have (or think you might have) been abused in your childhood.
3. an instructional guide to adults facing young people - what your personal responsibilities are for young people, what to look out for in yourself.
4. a resource for everyone about abuse - to help you understand child abuse, the signs to look out for, how to support young people who open up to them, support them in their difficult journey, and understand the serious affect it can have on everyone who knows the abuser.
5. provide an educational tool for everyone 
6. provide a confidential area, where adults can understand what their duties are, use an assessment to learn if their behaviours are, or might, abuse children, learn about the serious impact abuse has on a young person's development and adult life, and find support to stop abuse.

Values

We don't want to cause anyone to suffer. We want all of our content to follow these values:

• provide you with a safe, non-judgemental space, to help end abuse
• avoid detail that's available from other websites and organisations, and instead link you to them
• be frank about the truth of abuse. This can be painful, so we tailor different parts of the site to different and provide clear warnings before you can enter some. This is for your benefit
• be responsive in reviewing the website where we receive comments from visitors (using contact us)

Let's be clear on some words we use...

Child

We use this to cover anyone under the age of 18.

The popular belief is that someone over 16 is no longer a child. This is true for most young people, in the sense that most have completed puberty and are developing their identity beyond childhood. But that does not make them an adult in terms of how adults should treat them.

The World Health Organisation (WHO (???) refers to 18 as default. We know that everyone develops physically and mentally differently, for many reasons. Some young people feel they're a child well beyond when they reach 18. Other people feel they've left childhood years before they reach 18. Whatever way a young person below 18 feels about themself is valid, is correct. However, everyone under 18 has the right to be treated kindly, and receive support and nurturing reflecting who they are throughout their development into adulthood. This right doesn't end when you become sexually active, or your mind develops, or your home set up changes. Everyone 18 or older has a duty to respect you and your rights. We use the term child to define the rights that anyone, everyone, below 18 have.

Child abuse

The sense of what child abuse is can best be reflected in terms of a young person's - to be respected both physically and mentally, supported, nurtured, educated and loved, so that they develop as an individual, to feel strong to live in society as themselves, untroubled by scars from childhood.

There are several types of child abuse:

• physical - slapping, hitting, grabbing restraint, confinement, threat of violence, hurt, torture, chastisement, observational, lurking, stalking
• sexual - touching private parts, molestation, sex, exposure to adult sex
• emotional - aggression, shouting, belittling, adult behaves childlike, neglect, threats of leaving, adults arguing or physical violence in front of child, public humiliation or mental games
• control - manipulation, unfairness, not listening, belief-based
• grooming - online, school, gangs

Abuser - who and why

Anyone is at risk of abusing a child. There is no clear description that can help identify who will abuse a child. Only the signs of child abuse tell the tragic tail. So, it's important to be aware of your own responsibilities and what you should expect of others.

There are reasons why some people might be more prone to having behaviours, tendencies to harm a child:

• inter-generational propagation - eg as an adult (abused in childhood), they might repeat what they experienced as a child.
• inter-generational opposite behaviour - eg as an adult (abused in childhood), they might over-compensate to avoid abusing their child, which can lead to neglect.
• don't know how to behave as an adult and so try something out that works and so gets into a bad habit. Very few of us are trained in parenting, so we have to 'make it up' as we go.
• own insecurities/aspirations/beliefs - can lead us to impose these unfairly on a child who's nature might be different. This denies them their right to flourish as the individual they were born to be.

Good parenting and child care giving means that it is essential that adults know what child abuse is, to be clear with themselves and the behaviours they show to children so that they will not abuse.

One more thing to note: there is a popular misconception that any adult who sexually abuses a child is by nature a paedophile. First, a paedophile is someone who finds pre-pubescent children sexually attractive, but child abuse often occurs with children during or after puberty. Second, only a minority of true 'paedophiles' carry out their sexual attraction, as most are self-aware. For most children sexually abused, the primary motivator of the adult is one of control and power. Molestation of children can occur for this reason.

If we don't recognise the range of drivers for child abuse, we will not achieve an end to child abuse.

Victims

In the same way that any adult is at risk of abusing a child, so any child might be at risk. Most children aren't abused by adults, so children should not fear that abuse will happen, but children should be sufficiently aware and have adults available to listen to any worries.

A minority of children are abused, but as there isn't any situation where a child is completely protected - online, relatives, external, older siblings, etc - openness is the most important key.

Anything that a child does with an adult is something that the child should be able to share with others. Much abuse happens under secrecy - openness is the key.

Other victims - it's not just the children who suffer. Others, family members, friends of the abuser can end up with feelings of disbelief, shock, denial, hatred, guilt.